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Humor quotes

I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry

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Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.

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Some people need a high five, in the face

TALK IS CHEAP. SHOW ME THE CODE.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever

Dear Monday, go step on Lego

‘People always say life is short. I've never been convinced of that – mine seems to have a tendency to go on and on.’

Your face tells a story and it shouldn't be a story about your drive to the doctor's office.

I can have incredible self-discipline. But see, I think it's obviously a form of stupidity.

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Hummingbirds are he sharks of the sky

I may not be perfect but at least I'm not you

Immature is a word that boring people use to describe fun people

I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.

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I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.

I could be a morning person.. if morning was sometime around noon.

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I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.

When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate, and sweets, because stressed spelled backward is DESSERTS.

You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.

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Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are

Group projects help me understand why Superman had a Fortress of Solitude.

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When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me in the ground so they can let me down...one last time.

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing "K" instead of "OK"?

A balanced diet is having a cupcake in both hands

You may not be able to change a situation, but with humor you can change your attitude about it.

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